Democrats and Republicans

[From the internet]

Things Republicans Believe:

1. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is a solid defense policy

2. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

3. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

4. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s and John Kerry did in the 1970s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

5. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

6. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

9. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

10. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

11. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

12. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.


Things Democrats Believe

1. People who use drugs deserve compassion and understanding -- unless their drug of choice is tobacco.

2. Children can be exposed to years of violent and sexually-explicit imagery in popular culture with no ill effects, but an adult who is exposed to a racially insensitive remark is emotionally scarred for life.

3. Banning abortions will only drive them underground, but banning guns will make them disappear.

4. Teaching children about safe sex in school will make them sexually responsible, but teaching children about safe gun handling in school would make them violent killers.

4. The Enron accounting scandal is an indictment of free markets as such, but UNSCAM is no big deal.

5. An unemployment rate of 5.6% during the Clinton administration was unusually low, but an unemployment rate of 5.6% during the Bush administration is unusually high.

6. Successful government programs should be praised and publicized -- unless the program is welfare reform.

7. A work of art portraying Jesus submersed in urine is daring and avant garde, but a work of art portraying Mohammad submersed in urine would be bigoted and hateful.

8. George Bush invaded Iraq for the oil, but the many profiteers from the oil-for-food program opposed the war out of principle.

9. Janet Jackson's breast is protected by the First Amendment, but political advocacy ads are not.

10. Scientists and engineers can't build a safe nuclear reactor, but global warming activists can accurately predict the weather.

11. Education should be value-neutral, except for values like multiculturalism and environmentalism.

12. We need to move beyond 9/11, so we can get back to obsessing over Vietnam.

13. The Second Amendment does not protect the right to keep and bear arms, but the Fourteenth Amendment mandates race preferences.

14. Fetuses do not have rights, but animals do.

15. Parents should have a choice over whether their children are born, but not what school they attend.

16. American corporations outsourcing jobs to poor foreign workers is bad; taxing American corporations and sending money to foreign dictators who promise to give it to poor foreigners, but actually squirrel it away in Swiss bank accounts, is good.